bluesfan’s stuff

Sooo… after an email to bluesfan to check on her, this is the reply that came in. Gonna just post it verbatim below. All things considered, prysma an jackie.elle decided for sordid and sundry reasons (with BF’s purrmission) to set up this page. If you donut want to follow RL stuffs, then just donut read comments on this page. Uvverwise, let teh hugs and beems commence!

Note: erlier announcement about her mom’s health here: https://cheezland.org/2016/02/bed-cat-is-under-ur-throw-2/#comment-198483


I have been mostly lurking on the site….things are not good and I’ve been struggling and fighting the black dog for a long time now. I haven’t wanted to vent and whine continuously on site and spoil everyone’s fun so I just pop in to see the lols now and then.

Mom is not doing well. Initially we had at least a tiny bit of hope that she might be able to come home but she has lost so much ground since the initial stroke that it will not be possible. Mom needs continuous care that my sister and I could not possibly supply, even if either of us was anywhere near being able to retire or could afford to quit our jobs to care for her. She has been admitted to long term care at the facility where she was having  transitional care and she DOES NOT WANT TO BE THERE!! We don’t want her to have to be there either but see no other viable option. It is a question of her health and safety. Still, the guilt at being the bitch who slammed her mother into a nursing home against her will is overwhelming at times. On her good days she admits that she understands our decision but still….
Compounding the stress is the fact that we should apparently be the poster family for how you should not proceed when you have an elderly parent who refuses to discuss finances and what not. In the past when I have tried to talk about stuff like that mom would get upset and say things like “I’m not incompetent!” and “I don’t need help!”. And I let it go. 
Currently Mom’s care is being paid by Medicare but that will only last until she reaches a plateau, when they decide that the therapy has helped her improve as much as is possible. I don’t know how much longer that will be. At that point she will have to become a private pay patient, until her assets are spent down. Then we will have to apply for Medicaid for her care. 
The paperwork and documentation we need for that is seriously complicated and compounding the problems is the fact that we can’t find anything we need. I had no idea that mom’s papers and documents were in such a mess because she didn’t want to talk about it. There are piles and piles and piles of papers everywhere and none of it in any logical order. I can find tax returns from 40 years ago but not her social security card. I can find insurance policies from before I was born but not the deed to her mobile home. And so on and so on. Everywhere I turn to try to get information I seem to hit a brick wall. The mobile home is considered an asset and will have to be sold if possible but since mom has lived there more than 30 years the amount of clutter and just plain stuff is unbelievable. It will take forever to try to clear it out.
I feel overwhelmed and lost and like I’m drowning sometimes. I have always had to be the ‘responsible’ daughter and I am the one who holds mom’s DPA for health and finances so basically it is up to me. My sister is helping as much as she can but between everything going on with mom and still having to get myself to work every day I am exhausted. I just want to ball up in a corner with a blanket over my head and have everything magically go away.
So anyway that’s the situation we find ourselves in. I apologize for unloading on you. You can post this (or the gist of it anyway) on site if you like, it’s pretty depressing though. As I said I do pop in to lurk from time to time and hope to have time to come back and play someday.

41 Comments

  1. {{{{Bluesfan}}}}
    I hear you. We’ve (I’VE) just gone through all this with Dad… his house was cleared last year and remained empty whilst he was in the Nursing home. 3 builders skips, umpteen tip runs, nephews hauling scrap metal away etc.
    Just had another mini skip and find we need another.
    Dad passed away on Valentine’s day this year so I’ve had all that to cope with too :(
    Paperwork has been a nightmare and now we have a fight on our hands about fees… house in trust so he was only paying half fees. 10 months down the line the Authority decided it was in fact an asset so we have a massive bill to pay when the house is sold… we have an offer as it stands but it will take a while…. got a call chasing the unpaid fees a few days ago… :O …
    Just take it one day at a time, and DON’t feel guilty. I know how hard it is.
    Sending Beeeeems and cheezlub xxx

  2. I’m sorry you have all this to cope with. I can’t add anything to what Tidmum has said except that I’m thinking of you with cheezlub.

  3. Hugs and beems and lots of love to you and your family!

  4. Hi BF. I’ve been thinking about you. Thanks for checking in. I have friends who are going through/been through the whole “pay down everything to get Medicaid to pay” routine. And the paperwork! I wish I could help or offer advice. So I’ll just send you the best wishes I can. Please take care.

  5. I am so sorry that you are going through so difficult a time, and that you have such wieght on you shoulders and spirit. I send you hugs, love, and beems.

  6. What Claire said. Please do NOT feel guilty – you really, genuinely are doing your best. You may think it’s not always good, but that’s how it is – our best fluctuates, because we are human, we get tired, we have other responsibilities that we can’t ignore.

    My mom had a severe stroke in 2012, and passed away after nearly four months in hospital and nursing care. We could not have afforded the care without help from her brothers. I can imagine the stress you are going through.

    Please do ask for help when you can. I have found that it comes sometimes from unexpected sources, not necessarily those closest to you, but also from those who empathise with your situation for reasons that you may not even be aware of.

    Take care. Sending my best wishes for your mom, you, and all who love her and are caring for her. Do not apologise for “unloading” – many of us have been where you are, others may be there at a future time, and we understand. Big hug.

    1. Whut Moe sed! hugs and beams to you, your mom, and sister. {{{bluesfan & family}}}

  7. thank u awl (((((fwends)))))

    1. {{{{{hugs an moor huggs}}}} ai miss you bluesfan473.
      an ai mizz ur avatar, tudai awl dekoratid wiv hartz an choklatez an teddi bare. da powar ob da cheeze iz strong butt awlsew very gentle. ai luvz u bf473 an sew due lotz ob othor cheezpeepz. u am amazing. moor later.

    2. {{{{{{{{{{{{bf and fambly}}}}}}}}}}}

      beems and lubs an hugs. i understand being the responsible one in this kind of situation, or at least being the one that all the responsibility came to rest on. sometimes, for me, all seemed so hard, and futile, and all alone, but i had mai cheezfrenz and other frenz too, and that’s what got me thru to now. mai frenz. thinking of you and sending beems of lubs and support.
      r.

  8. Oh, BluesFan, I had to idea!! So sorry to hear you’re going through this. Please don’t be too hard on yourself with “if only I had. . .” If you had pushed too hard, she might have cut off communications entirely and you would still be dealing with all the paperwork and a lifetime of accumulated possessions. I sent you an email encouraging you to vent whenever you need a sympathetic ear, and if you feel like crawling into a corner with a blanket over your head (like the Librarian on Disc World?) then do it. The world will still be here when you’re ready to peek out.
    XOXO

  9. Beeg huggs tu {{{{{Bluesfan}}}}} an {{{{{Tidmum}}}}} an ebery wun els hoo haz bin/iz goin thru this tu.

  10. {{{{{{Bluesfan and fambly}}}}
    You are definitely doing your best! And that is very hard and very tiring over the long run, so please don’t be hard on yourself. My father had a stroke several years ago, and so I understand the feeling when hope for recovery drains away, leaving all the stress of dealing with what comes next. Wanting to hide in a corner with a blankie is the most natural feeling in the world, so please give yourself permission to have guilt-free blankie-breaks as needed.
    I’m sure I speak for otters when I say that we all wish we could be there, either to help dig through papers or just rub your shoulders. If it helps to come here and vent for a little while, and get a little support, we thank you for giving us a way to be there for you.
    many gentle hugs to you all.
    H

  11. Hugs n beemz n cheezlubs from teh VLC! Pleez to nawt be too hard on yrself, yu am doing your bestest and that’s all anyone can do. *sends cullering buks an crayons for yur blankie fort*

    1. Adn here’s a flashlight with nebber-die batteries, a stufft plushy howse panthurr….adn sum cuukees (chokklit chip okay?)

      1. *~ adds a beeg sawft swedder anna pear ov cashmere soks tu teh caer-pakkij ~*

        Ai ekkoes wut ebreewun els has sed wiff sutch ellolekwins. Bee kynd tu urself, deer BF, an cumin an vent wenebbur yu niids tu. An teh saem goes foar Tidmum, tu!

        {{{{{{{{{{{{{{BF an famblee}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
        {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tidmum}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  12. oh deer bf ai am sew sorrie tew heer uf yur plight. an Tidmum too. me an Mr C send beems uf positive enerjy an hugs hugs hugs.
    awlsew ai shaer wif yu mai colering buks, yu kan neber have tew manie inn yur blankie fort an awlsew sum Kadbury Minie Eggs, bess choklit eber an moer hugs hugs hugs.
    xxxooo {{{{Bluesfan}}}}

  13. (((Bluesfan))) I am so sorry to hear the bad news. Please do not think you’re spoiling the fun for us cheezies – the big black dog is telling you to suck it up and don’t whine, but you’re not whining, you’re telling your cheez family (yes, we also are your family) how it is and things are not great. We can send encouraging words and beams and hugs and we do that to help you feel not so alone. You are not alone – Tidmum has been there and many others. You have done all you can do in your situation. Please don’t listen to the guilt monster. Listen to ur cheezfrenz.

  14. Oh sweetie! Never ever think you can’t come to us to tell us what’s happening. I’m guilty of doing it myself, I need to take my own advice because we can’t do this without each other.

    I took care of my Mom and I was lucky that I didn’t have to put into a nursing home but it got really close. I know you feel guilty, but you are doing the very best you can for her and for you. It’s not being selfish.

    Please keep in mind how much we love you!!!

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bluesfan}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  15. Ohai Bluesfan. I’m sorry you and your loved ones are going through this grief. Don’t blame yourself for being unable to keep her at home– it’s often a struggle even for the professionals at the nursing home to take care of such patients and keep them from falling or otherwise coming to harm, and completely impossible to manage at home, with the best will in the world and even if you were able to stay with her 24/7. No patient I met ever _wanted_ to go to a nursing home, but sometimes there is no good alternative. Your family has our prayers and beams… -Lungdoc.

    {{{{{{{{{{BF adn family}}}}}}}}}}

  16. Thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. I think the very hardest thing is seeing the change in mom. She has had physical problems for some years now but was able to get around fine with her walker. Mom is an intelligent woman, loves reading and New York Times crossword puzzles (in ink!). To see her like a bewildered child now…..it just makes my heart hurt so badly.

    1. My sister and I have talked to her many times about the situation…on her good days she realizes that she needs care we are not able to give her. On other days……yesterday we brought her a tv for her room and she said ‘but I thought I was going home with you soon’. :(

      1. Oh gosh, BF. That is really so sad. I actually felt a hurt in my heart just reading that. Even when I go away for just a few days, I miss my home. Hugs and beems to you.

      2. {{{{{{{{{BF}}}}}}}}}}

    2. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bf an bf’s mom an bf’s sis}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

      1. Wut ebberybunneh sed. Birtual huggs anna support iz reel huggs anna support wen dey comb fwum da harts ob yur fwens. {{{BF anna fambly}}}

  17. Ai iz sooo feelin da frustrashuns n overwelminess ob ur siteashun BF! Me n my sis r juss waitin till momcat haz sumtin mayjir happin tu her helf n I will be da dotter dat “put mom away” cuz mai sis kan do no rong. Ai no da feelin bery much so. Hang in der n dun let it oberwelm U!! Sendings beems ob lubs n support (support beams!!) tu u.

  18. Ohai! Any uppydates? How is u doin, Bri?
    {{{Bluesfan and sordid otter peeps}}}}

    1. Ohai sweetie

      *sigh* Ahm sawree tew say….Mum nawt guud. Shee haz ben up an daown an naow seems tew bee reellee deeklinin. Beefore shee had teh aspirayshun noomonyah she wuz dewin grate wiv walkin in ferapy an sew awn. Ai fink teh noomonyah reelee knockd hurr bak butt eben jusa a week or sew ago shee wuz dewin pretty wel, eeting wel an feedin hurseff, usin hurr feet tew skoot teh weelchayre arownd ware shee wantid tew goe, stuffs lyke dat an naow….werl teh diffrunse is obveeus.

      Ai wuz dere dis moarnin an shee had ferapy an shee wuddint eben try. Teh ferapist wuz trine tew halpp hurr tew stand up owta teh weelchair an mum wud maik noe effurt watseweber. Shee iz nawt walkin at awl naow. Bery vague an spacey, eesilee distraktid. Teh ferapist askt hurr haow owld shee iz an mum cuddint kome up wiv teh anser. Ai went tew haz lunch wiv hur awn Easter an sheez bak tew havin tew bee kontinualee promptid tew keep eetin, tew try, tew bring teh spoon/fork tew hurr mouff wunst shee skoops teh fuud awnto it. Iz bery hard tew wach. An noe fun fer eivver uv uz wen ai hadda nag at hurr fru teh meel. Shee gits mad but wivvowt teh kontinuous promptin shee wunt eet at awl. Ai dunt wanna see hurr hav tew bee fed lyke a bebbeh. [cry]

      An tew maik matturs wurst, az soon az dey figger shee stopt improovin er eben trine Medicare wil nawt pay fer hurr stay aneemoar. Wee wil haz tew start spendin daown hurr assets tew pay teh nursin hoam. Tew bee honist….ai eggspekt tew bee notifyed anee day naow dat dey are gonna ‘discharge’ hurr frum ferapy, meanin dey see noe reasun tew kontinue it, noe hoap uv improovin.

      REPLY

      1. oh deer sew sorrie fore awl yu goeing fru an mama too {{{{{{{{{{{{{{bf}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

      2. Oh my dear Bluesfan, it is very hard to watch anyone decline – so much worse when it is a parent. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. {{{{{{{{{{BF & Mama}}}}}}}}

      3. Ohnoes… :-( Wish sooooo much there waz sumfin that we cud duz moar concrete than bein here to lissen an sendin you lots n lots n lots of beems an lubs an long-distance hugs fur you and your mom boff. But we can duz that. Any time you need a refill on hugs, or somewun to rant to or a shoulder to cry on, you can has.

      4. Oh my…
        all the hugs and beems possible to you and your mum and your family….
        {{{{{{{{{BF}}}}}}}}}}
        And purrs and hedbonks from Buster.
        <3

      5. O my deer! All der hugz an beemz an prayers in der world! {{{{{{{{{BF an mama}}}}}}}}}}}

      6. Oh my deer frend. {{{Bf473 an mumcat an hole famblee }}}. Wear duz u lib? Am itt souvern kalifornia?

        1. Her be in New Hamster, aifinkso, noodle.

  19. Dis am very sad noooze butt(!) ai sned yoo awl manee manee beemzes adn lubs.

  20. Awwhhhh itz awlayz hard tu see a Momcat, Popkit aprotchin teh Rainbow Bridj. Bin dere. Fuzihugz n pawpatz!–BGCMEOWRRRR

  21. ohai bluesfan473, jus noodeling inn 4 2 remindz u dat da cheezepeepz r awlweighz wif u. awlweighz. {{{BF an mumcat an whole famblee}}}}

  22. {{{{{bf473}}}}} Yesh, ai’z really so very late in readin up on whut’s happenin wif da Cheez peeps. Ai’z walkin in your shoes wif you, cause ai wuz dere so many years ago wif hubby. *long story sorta short*
    Hubby was diabetic for years & didn’t really take of himself as he should. Got Hodgkins Lymphoma in 1998 and made it thru intense chemo and came out “clean” but it caused his diabetes to go “wacko”. Then on his birthday in 2003 he had a brain stem stroke. With therapy he was able to get to a point of walking with a cane and 9 months later another stroke which set him back. After than he could use a walker but eventually had to get around with a wheelchair. He was confined to the house, I worked full time, and burned the candle at both ends for 4 years. The he got gangrene in a toe which was removed, did okay with that till a few months later another toe on the other foot was bad. It was removed and he had to go into a rehab/nursing center full time because I couldn’t do the medical stuff necessary (plus no experience with the equipment). Turns out he had bad vascular disease and the surgeon said he wouldn’t make it through another major surgery. The rehab center was also a long-term care facility, so that’s where he stayed the last 6 months. I have had constant guilt about his passing there in the middle of the night, wishing he could have been home but I knew the best place for him was the 24-hour care where he was. He passed 9 years ago and the guilt is still there, guess it always will be. When I read about your problems with your mom it was with a sad heart saying “I know how she feels” even though I didn’t have to go through the dreaded spending down of assets to get Medicare to kick in or even to wonder where hubby would have to go without it (we luckily had long-term care ins.). So bf473, I’ll walk with you, with your paw in my paw, through whatever and for however long it’s needed.

  23. Ai sew sowwy ai jus’ seein’ dis nao. Ai unnerstands. My mawm hid fings, and changed legal fings wifout telling us. She died las’ Awgust, and it habs been sumfing to try to straighten ebbryfing owt.

    *reads Onlee Kitteh’s post and den takes BF’s other paw* Hang in dere.

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